Narcissism and Borderline

I’ve been called manipulative, because in a moment of feeling completely overwhelmed, I react in ways they don’t understand.

The definition of manipulation is:

noun: manipulation; plural noun: manipulations
  1. the action of manipulating something in a skilful manner.
  2. the action of manipulating someone in a clever or unscrupulous way.

It’s not manipulative when it’s done without purpose. It’s not done in a clever or unscrupulous way, or even a skilful manner. It’s done because I get overloaded, and because my amygdala doesn’t do it’s job right. I lose control sometimes. But I am working on it, because I am aware it is something that can no longer be allowed to go on; because I hate overreacting in such a destructive way.

People often mistake me for having narcissistic personality disorder the moment I mention BPD. They’re both Cluster B, and co-morbid in 16-39% of cases (conflicting studies) but are separate diagnosis.

There are conflicting opinions on NPD – some say the narc is unaware they are a narcissist; the others say they embrace it. This could equally describe people’s narcissistic traits when they have BPD without NPD.

The problem is, not a lot is really known about the narcissist.

What I can tell you, is that with BPD, the narcissistic traits and perceived arrogance come from a place of deep rooted insecurities that rip them apart day after day, and that of anxiety.

It’s assumed narcissists are this way because they are demanding recognition they truly believe they deserve for being so awesome, and that everyone is just jealous.

I can tell you that I also believe this sometimes, but am self– aware enough to realise I’m full of shit and it’s more a self-defence mechanism to stop me spiralling into complete self-loathing and negativity.

I do not truly think I am better than everyone else. I actually internally believe (far too frequently) I am worth nothing, and pick at myself far too much. I am my own worse critic.

I think therein lies the difference.

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