Could I have been a better girlfriend? Yes.
Could I have put more effort and time into our relationship? Yes.
Could I have progressed at a quicker pace with him instead of keeping him at arm length? Yes.
Could I have brought him into my family and actually made our talks/dreams a reality? Yes.
Could I have listened better, supported better, and been less self-involved? Yes.
Was I ready to do all these things? HELL NO!
Should I force myself to run before I can walk? No
Should I force myself to get outside my comfort zone and do things I absolutely wasn’t ready to do just because my partner wanted me to? No.
Should I stall my recovery from codependency (relationship addiction) and BPD, the recovery journey I have been on for the last 16-months, because he wanted my negative traits, loved my toxicity and wanted/needed the person I desperately didn’t want to be? No.
I was a young carer. Then I was my boyfriend’s carer, then I was my mum’s carer yet again as her illnesses started killing her. Her death broke me, but it also freed me. Now, I can be the person I want to be. I can work towards being that person. I can recover from my trauma.
What I don’t need is a person determined to keep me the person I detest because they don’t want the person I want to be, and cannot grow as I do.
Nobody stays the same. Sometimes we outgrow each other, and there is no shame in cutting someone lose because they no longer suit the person you are. It’s as much for his benefit as it is mine, because the person I am now cannot fulfil his needs the way the person I was could.
I hope we both heal and become the people we wish to be.