It’s a minefield.
I’m very black and white. I’m not subtle in the least. I’m brutally and detrimentally honest. I can’t play mind games. I can’t fake how I feel. I can’t hide what I feel. I can’t pretend to enjoy things I don’t. I have no filter. I wear masks. I script conversations, and rehearse mannerisms. I will sometimes adopt things they like, in order to mask better and find common interests. I will research these extensively, because I don’t fit in easily, and these social things that seem so effortless to others, are incredibly hard for me.
I am basically an alien, who can only connect with people naturally and effortlessly through sex, because it requires nothing except instinct. I trust my instincts.
I’m also a paradox, which is ironic, because people with BPD hate paradoxes.
I can appreciate the irony.
I will obsess over the tone of your texts, the length of your texts, and the quantity.
I am perceptive, and will pick up on even the slightest change in your feelings towards me. This will send me into a tailspin of anxiety and self-loathing.
For example, I once knew an ex had cheated, before he even did it. I’d merely picked up a tone over the phone, and that night he did it. Some might say it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy, only I don’t act on these feelings; I merely let things play out as they should, because it’s not like I can stop anything from happening.
I have periods of intense clinginess, where I’ll need lots of reassurance, and validation. I’ll forget you love me, or even like me, because I have no emotional permanence. I can only base my emotional response on the here and now.
There are times I will withdraw, and become distant. I will “work on myself”, or become absorbed in hobbies, or learning/researching things, and I will forget anyone exists except myself and my interests.
I love hard, and I love intensely, but sometimes you won’t think I do, because I struggle to compartmentalise my life, and to multitask.
For example, I struggle to merge different sectors of my life. Bring a boyfriend into my family. Bring my family into my home. Few of my friends have mutual friends. I struggle to juggle between compromising and working together as a partnership, while finding time for myself as an individual. I struggle to separate myself from being mum, into being a partner, to being myself.
Maybe one day I can work on this, and learn to fix these things, but until then I need a partner who understands my quirks and can work with them.