Part of recovery for me has been learning to identify and avoid triggers.
When I feel pressured, I get BPD rage, and it’s like a HULK! SMASH! moment.
I don’t like BPD rage. It’s really destructive. I don’t like who I am when I rage out. It’s my least favourite BPD emotion, next to guilt.
I’m really good at avoiding it so long as the people who are triggering it listen to me and back off. I don’t expect people to walk on egg shells; it’s just some type of conversations trigger me and I have to do them when in the right mindset.
One day, I’ll be able to face triggers and deal with them appropriately, but one step at a time… You can’t force recovery. It isn’t linear. It isn’t a straight line.
I’m not an angry person. It really takes a lot for me to rage out. I don’t experience anger as frequently as most with BPD do. But even slight agitation to me is a negative emotion and knowing what I do now (that I have BPD, and that BPD emotions are amplified and felt longer/more extremely than people without BPD)… I desperately try to avoid any negative emotions. I want to keep moving forward and, to me, recovery is getting this diagnosis removed so that means only feeling the good stuff.
I believe in myself. I’m not the same person I was last year. I can’t believe how close I was to ending it. Knowing my mum died this year… and if I’d ended it last year… my kids would’ve lost over half their family in less than 12 months. Makes me really sad. My life wasn’t even *that* bad. I was just drowning under negative emotions and stress. Truly, it was rock bottom, and I intend to never go there again. I love life. I love *my* life. I love who I am. The person I was last year is dead.