I find it hard to relate to almost everyone. I feel like an alien wearing a human suit, reading from a script.
I told my boyfriend I had writers block now I was entering recovery, and that I wasn’t sure how to write now my mental health was stabilising.
He said, “I don’t know how your mind works but you don’t function like a typical person, even if you are well”.
But what is typical? Some mental health symptoms, such as anxiety, are caveman throwbacks. It isn’t abnormal. Only in the sense that professionals don’t believe we should fear as much as we do. Because humans mistakenly believe we are apex predators. Throw us in the wild, as unskilled masses who rely on supermarkets, we’d not last 24 hours. We’re farmers, not predators. And now, only some of us farm, using machines, while the rest rely on them. Humanity has gotten complacent, and has forgotten that being unique helps humanity to thrive. We are not supposed to be the same, and it is impossible to categorise us into neat little boxes.
BPD isn’t abnormal. I am not abnormal, or irrational, or attention seeking, or psycho. I am a human being, who feels a great deal. It’s been compared to third degree burns, and chronic pain. Only it is not always visible. I don’t have burn scars, or patches of melted waxy skin.
What I do have is meltdowns. These manifest in different ways for different people. No two people with BPD are the same. Some lash out violently, either physically or verbally. Others sob hysterically. For me, I rock myself and cry a lot.
I have dissociation. I can shut down. Withdraw into myself and become monosyllabic.
I do not choose to feel more deeply, or for longer, than people without BPD.
I do not choose to annoy you with coping mechanisms or my stims (repetitive behaviours). They make me feel relaxed and comfortable, and help me a great deal.
My brain is wired differently to yours, and that’s ok, because different can be good 🙂
Sometimes I drown under these emotions, and lose my way. I need help, and understanding; even saving. I will reach out for help in ways you do not understand, because my mind is an incoherent mess.
Please stay with me. It doesn’t last forever.