I struggle a lot with intimacy. I either lavish, or I don’t. It’s a light switch. Intimacy avoidance (or the fear of accepting it; sometimes it’s pure skepticism) has became so normalised to me, that I no longer really think about it.
Today, my fiancé hugged me. I just sort of stood there, feeling his arms around me, but also feeling completely detached. I didn’t return the embrace; I sort of scoffed, and asked what it was for. Apparently he just wanted to hug me, and asked if I had a problem with that? No… no problem. He can show me affection however he wants to. I just didn’t “get” it. Why on earth would he hug me?
I couldn’t shake off the feeling of skepticism though. Why on earth would anyone want to hug me? It makes no sense to me. I didn’t return the hug, which probably upset him… but if it did, he never said.
I suppose I don’t really think about it because it’s too hard to admit that I can’t and probably never will be able to fulfil basic human gestures of intimacy, affection, connectedness etc and that makes me feel selfish as well.
But, also… it’s hard to admit just how fucked up I am.