The thing is… BPD feelings are perfectly normal; everything is just amplified. The intensity of, often reactionary, emotions… hurts. It all hurts so much. Everything conflicts. You’re narcissistic, but full of self loathing. You’re indignant, but also guilty. You’re furious, yet full of sadness. You’re surrounded by people who you know love you, but you’re distrustful of them. To feel so much… can be scary.
You turn these feelings inwards. You’re so numb, so dead, you seek out thrills and pain… to feel anything at all. I seek out rejection, one of the most painful emotions for someone with BPD to experience. When I’m numb, dead, empty, I forcibly make people reject me just so I can feel anything at all.
Or I turn these feelings on to those I love the most, scared of accepting their love, unsure how they could possibly love me, and frightened to let them love me… just in case my initial thoughts were right, that they’ll leave so what’s the point? I push those I love the most because if I leave first, it’s on my terms, and hurts less somehow than investing my all into something that will end, into yet another person who will leave… Everything ends. Everything dies. So… what’s the point?
Because that’s BPD. Negativity. Seeing the worst in everything and everyone. Not knowing who is friend or foe. Distrusting everyone. It’s how my brain works. I need to train my brain to work the opposite of how it wants to, and that seems impossible because… this is me!
This, of course, adversely affects my burgeoning relationships and friendships.
I didn’t feel worthy of my fiancé’s love. I drowned under the weight of his love. I didn’t see what I did to deserve it. What did he want from me? How can you love unconditionally? Everything has conditions in my experience. Every time someone has helped me, they’ve wanted something in return. There is no such thing as unconditional. I distrusted his intentions.
But he waited. I fought the connection. I fought him. I denied he loved me and I fought a hard battle. Then I learnt to accept it. Slowly. He proved he wasn’t going anywhere, and no one had ever done that before. No one had ever… stayed.
I’m full of darkness, and he’s my light. He makes me want to be a better person, and through him I’m starting to see myself through his eyes. Funnily enough, I actually like her a lot.