Queen of Self-delusions

was scrolling through my posts on a BPD support group… this one made me laugh the most…

“For the first time in a long time I can honestly say I’m thankful that someone is in it. My boyfriend. I had a “moment” last night and he’s still here. I tried to push him away, n he didn’t care. He would’ve gone. Which prompted me to actually talk to him. It helped. Unfortunately I later tried to use sex as a weapon which he saw through right away and instead made me carry on talking. He talked to me all morning. I never want to lose him. He doesn’t give false or empty promises and he doesn’t promise what he can’t deliver on. He’s still here. He still loves me. He doesn’t tolerate my bullshit. And I feel less empty since I met him.”

It was all fake. He didn’t love me, though he said he did. He later even denied it. I felt manipulated and betrayed.

With BPD, everything is so black and white… we remember EVERYTHING (unless it’s dates, appointments, etc haha)… we wear our hearts on our sleeves, unless we’re trying to suppress out of fear. Because fear is a huge part of BPD.

I know he’d told me he loved me, so why backtrack and try to make me sound insane? I have a mental illness, I’m not insane.

If I’m completely honest, I wasn’t in love with him either but I’m not the one who lied about it. It was very clear I wasn’t over my ex and he was (delicately put…) just the rebound.

That’s another big part of BPD, we push those we love the most away. make incredibly unwise choices, do things we *think* we want as opposed to what we actually want. Lie to ourselves. We desperately want to be loved but push away those we actually do love.

I have a habit of going for emotionally unavailable men, or fuck boys. Anyone who will make me feel like I’m in a relationship without actually giving me one. Anything to feel close to another human being, to feel loved, without actually having to allow myself those things. Because I was scared of allowing myself them.

I’m glad I woke up and told my ex I actually did love him. I’m glad I fought “the fear” and gave into my real feelings. I’m glad he was forgiving and still loved me too. I’m so glad that l’m now going to marry him.

Never lie to yourself.

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