Old Habits Die Hard 😒

I’ve swung between anorexia, bulimia and bing eat disorder for approximately 16 years, and I’m now in recovery from all. But my BPD meds made me gain a great deal of weight in a very short space of time. I’ve switched them, and am now maintaining. As in, not gaining nor losing. I honestly don’t know which is worse! So here I am WILLING myself anorexic again because is recovery even possible at this point? It’s a vicious fucking cycle that I don’t even understand. How could I WANT to be anorexic again? I think it’s because I’ve gained so much, so quickly, and am struggling to shift it. I feel so out of control, so hideous, so disgusting. Embarrassed. But just like everything else thus far, I have to ride the wave and wing it, because having control is an illusion. I never had it at all.

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